Sat in a cafe outside a hospital, waiting for the man that I love to undergo a procedure and hoping the results will be fine. I am sure he will be ok, less faith more denial that ‘another’ thing will begin to be a struggle now! We are in a good place after months of it feeling hard. So I don’t want something to now hit!

Yet we can’t control what can happen. I can pray. I do pray that he will be well and we will have this as a reminder to be thankful for our health. If not, if he needs treatment and this is the start of something worse, then still I will pray. My trust is in a God who is faithful. It’s good to remember that before we know answers.

To even have the wonder of health or illness feels odd. I’ve driven over with him as he will be sedated and even that he said “I guess with anything there’s a chance you could not wake up”. I don’t think about the fact that I could not wake up!

My Grandpa is the kindest most loving man you could meet, we celebrated his 80th last year. We really celebrated as there have been many times we wouldn’t have thought he would make it. Yet thankfully he is so well, despite his heart & other parts of this body struggling- he is so well and wonderful and I am so thankful to God. Yet each morning he says “Thank you God for allowing me to wake up for another day”, because he does recognise the fragile nature of life. He is genuinely aware of each day and another breath being a gift.

It makes me wonder again what I am doing with this gift. This life. These days I’ve been given.

I love fun and to do the things that fill me up. I have been LOVING the film The Greatest Showman recently, soundtrack on Spotify etc. I have seen it twice and hope to go again before it leaves the cinema.

Something I was really touched by was a more serious part of the film where a character looses all he has tried to gain. He has tried to make life all about the success he could be and the money he could make.Yet when it all goes, he finds what is truly important. He starts a song From Now On by singing..

‘I saw the sun begin to dim

And felt that winter wind

Blow cold

A man learns who is there for him

When the glitter fades and the walls won’t hold

‘Cause from then, rubble

What remains

Can only be what’s true

If all was lost
There’s more I gained

Cause it led me back

To you’

Today in this waiting it feels a bit of a ‘when the glitter fades’ moment. We all have these moments.

For us, my husband handed in his notice two weeks ago. He is leaving his job, stepping out in faith to work free-lance, grant writing for charities as well as working with me leading our church again from May and looking after our babes. He is just incredible and it’s not been an easy decision. We have gone back and forward, prayed, sought wisdom and advice, prayed some more! Yet we have been excited for this new season and all God can do.

Then suddenly last night in thinking about today my head went wild, as it was me that said let’s not pay the extra money each month for critical illness cover. So if he is today found to be ill then we are screwed financially as well as everything else.

Yet I have this peace. One that my head doesn’t quite understand. Where amongst the uncertainty and potential struggle that could be around this corner. I just have this peace that God will look after us. Just as they said about Him in Daniel 3, when the King was going to throw God’s men into the fire they said ‘Our God can save us, but even if he doesn’t, we will not serve you”

God can make it that we don’t have to go through illness. I am praying He will. The key is that ‘but if not..’. Even if He doesn’t do as I want, even if the answer doesn’t come, even if we don’t understand, even if it doesn’t look how we hoped – do we still choose to worship Him, to trust Him, to believe in His goodness and grace. To not serve other ‘gods’ or walk down alternate roads. To keep our eyes on Him and His promises to us.

For me, I have found time and again what that song says to be true. Through hard trials, when the glitter fades and walls don’t hold- that from rubble what remains can only be what is TRUE. If all seems/feels/lost, then more we can gain- as it leads us back to Him.

Leads us to the one who gives us this peace we can’t understand. Who doesn’t promise there won’t be fire but promises to stand with us in it and does say He won’t allow more than we can bare. He who loves us, cares for us and is mighty to save. To bring breakthrough and healing and grow us through any process. We find Him again, we have a choice to come back, to ask and receive.

So, before I know an answer. I choose trust, I choose faith and I choose thanksgiving.