Last night (sunday night) I was a bit at the end of myself, sat basically in a carpark in the ridiculous heat with little Lion crying and irritable next to me. Everything got a bit much, I couldn’t analyse myself so I asked my husband to tell me how I was feeling-a dangerous thing to do! He’s actually quite good at knowing me, he got it spot on..
“You feel out of your comfort zone”
Yep, being here I’ve not had one day where I felt just comfy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been awesome & we’ve been so well looked after. Yet, within myself I know I’ve felt a big mix of emotions each day.
Since having my Lion, I have stopped working & for his safety I try to stay in my comfort zone. In life generally, I love feeling comfortable. Don’t we all? My leopard onesie, a cup of earl grey tea & a rubbish bit of TV is my best thing! Comfy. Burmas not been comfy.
If you’ve read one of my previous blogposts ‘feeling close to death‘ then this may not come as a surprise! Though that airplane ride was one of the first scares in a long line of them, while we have been here in Myanmar (Burma). Some examples are:
- Driving up a mountain where you keep stopping as they literally make the road in front of you. My head was buzzing so much I thought I’d be sick as the cliff edge not far and with a very long drop & in the end we had to turn back!
- Being on the back of motorbike-never had a problem before with this. Yet now I’m a mum, I am so aware that one bad fall could have terrible impact on my family.
- Difficult meetings with orphanage directors who don’t understand why after years of an orphanage model and institutional care, that we need to change the way things are run. Then some stories are awful to hear, some things that have happened to children in other failing children’s homes…
- Worries over a girl I loved on our last trip who has now been taken by her grandma to do ‘domestic work’ in the Philippines. Which I pray is true for her, and a good and safe job, yet it tragically sounds too much like trafficking stories that break me.
- The constant responsibility of a 2yr old who puts everything in his mouth, wants to be touched by everyone, wanders off and has no fear..in a country that is not baby proof in any way!
I’ll stop there..it’s been full on. This morning (Monday) was a working group for ‘orphanage’ directors in which they are trained how to progress in the programme of reintegration of children back into families. Which, the more we talk, feels like we fall further & further down a rabbit hole.
The skilled people we have working here are incredible, I’ve been so inspired. It’s not a huge team and it’s hard as we sit and talk together as things are so different in Myanmar, yet the need for children’s care is the same.
As I said, it all got a bit much on Sunday night & I was fed up. Suddenly realising I was so far from my comfort zone & it’s not nice. So we came back to the guesthouse & stuck on ToyStory3.
I grow through those other situations. I grow in compassion, wisdom, strength and bravery. Since being here I have realised I’m not brave anymore! I used to be, like going into prison and situations I faced there; that I now see were very brave to step into. I now have the responsibility of a 2yr old and I am aware of my life’s value so much clearer than before. On my own I am not brave..and actually I am a bit of a hermit.
Yet with my God- He makes me brave. He has given me to words to say in situations where I’ve felt wordless. He’s given me hope and a security to lean on when it’s looked hopeless. He’s given me joy and fun to show when it’s been hard and awkward! He’s given me His kindness…
He knows me, so he’s given me moments of peace. This afternoon He gave me this place..
A pool, a drink, a lake, a sunset AND a caesar salad!!! Anyone who knows me knows a caesar salad is my absolute best thing! In a country where rice & noodles is all you should expect, a ceaser salad was pretty spectacular!
He knows me. While I was swimming I was singing in my head an old classic –
“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love”
(based on psalm 145)
I felt Jesus say, ‘do you know?’ Do I truly know through hard times that He is gracious, compassionate and rich in love. That He will not give us more than we can cope wth. That He will love us extravagantly. Which may look like Toy Story 3 in bed or a pool in the sun. I know every good & perfect gift is from Him. So I thank Him for all He’s done & all He’s doing & for making me brave! I am brave because I walk with the King, and so do you x