I don’t want to share this blogpost. I started writing it this morning when I felt more positive. When I was ‘high’ from a great evening at church (not how people normally get high, I know!). Then I paused it. Took my son and nephew to monday bible study/creche, all good.
Then I lost my nephew. I was fighting with my 2yr old trying to keep him sitting down till he said sorry, thinking my nephew was in the main room. When I went to get him to go-he had gone. The front door had been left wide open. It will have been a matter of minutes, yet I lost him. I ran around the rooms and then was shouted that he had been found. The feeling of sickness and disappointment in myself is still here. I am finding it hard to shake off. Despite kind words from my sister and friends, I still feel awful. Yet I think maybe even more I need to read and continue to write this post..because even in my mistakes, when I don’t ‘feel it’, the title is still true-He is faithful.
I was stood last night in the evening service of my church, Ivy, and it was like a ‘life flashing before your eyes’ time, only thankfully I wasn’t dying! I just saw different moments in my life that happened in that building, in which God led me through. So in order to remember and see His faithfulness I thought I should write them out..here are a few of the ones that stand out.
It was in an evening service in that building that He Called me. I went to the front for prayer in 2009, feeling I have tricked everyone into thinking I could do this job in women’s prison. I didn’t tell anyone why, I just needed Jesus. I started the next day a full time job responsible for all the work with women in and out of custody, at 19yrs old, Oh God!
I felt a pressure on my head and it felt like a weight pushing me down, to my knees, then i was completely layout on the floor. I felt more clearly than I ever had before God speak “You lie down so that I can stand, this is the position you will always be in for this role”. I was called for this position because I knew I couldn’t do it alone. He was right, much as I grew and gained confidence and loved my role, I continually came back to a place of ‘God, I am lying down in this situation, please stand for me, use me, do what only you can do”.. He always did. He is faithful.
(To see a little more of what I learned in a blogpost about prison)
Through a time in which I had made stupid decisions and was hurting and felt I had lost myself. I came to an evening service and truly received God’s grace for my life. I have preached it, explained it, prayed it over others. Yet on that night, I felt it for myself. I later went home and had a dream in which He showed me what Grace truly looks like and on my drive into work the following morning, I started to speak out the monologue ‘Grace’ and I wrote it down, a gift from Heaven which has helped me share the grace of God with so many. He is faithful.
I prayed for God to give me a husband. Yet not in a broad way. I drew him! I drew the outline of a man and was very specific. Arms strong enough to carry me, hands ready to do for others, legs that are running after Jesus, a heart that is first for Jesus and then for me but hugely compassionate and that I would be annoyed by how much He loved others and saw their needs. There was more, I was specific, including a kind handsome face and stubble! It was in this church, in 2011, that I married the man whom I love with all my heart and ticks each box! He is faithful.
He is not only faithful in the joys of my wedding day but also in the heartbreaks along the way. It was in an evening service in this building a few years ago that I sat next to my sister, right at the back, I just sat close and held her, with her head crying on my shoulder as the band sang “better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere”. Em was going through an ectopic pregnancy and we would have the results the next day.
Later, as we walked the streets around the church, with no purpose other than not knowing what to do with ourselves, we shared that God had shown us both, during the same song, the same picture. We both knew in that moment that Jesus was giving us this as a gentle message of the news we were hoping to not hear the next day. Yet as this song washed over us and we cried, I held her tight and saw a picture, clear as anything, of a tiny baby in the hands of Jesus. Em had seen the same picture. We cried more, and were almost afraid to understand this was what God was saying as you want to remain faith-filled. Though Jesus did what He promised, He poured out peace on us as we grieved. To this day the blogpost she bravely shared at this time is my most read post..You make me brave. He is faithful.
Through countless times I have sat in that building feeling like I am just waiting..waiting for promises to be fulfilled. One period of waiting was when we knew God was speaking to us about starting a family. He did so many countless miracles through that time and I so know that my son is a gift from God. My little Lion has been designed and created in the image of the faithful one who led us on our journey. It was in this building that we celebrated my boys life, alongside my sister and her beautiful new baby boy, Leo. This celebration was a time of us worshipping and praising God as well as hearing prayers and words from Godparents, friends and family. He is Faithful.
Throught these times, and many others, I have been in this building experiencing extreme highs (birthday parties and women’s groups) and deep lows (praying with friends and still waiting). So I stand today and I know that my faith is not shallow or naive. Looking at my future and being unsure of what is next, in every area – health, work, family, home etc. I feel that in looking back, seeing His faithfulness in every area that I currently need to trust in, I can hold onto this today. To remember and I am so very thankful for.
One day these areas of waiting will be another picture and testimony to add to this list. I didn’t lose Leo, he was found, our faithful God has angels around him and he is sleeping safely in his bed tonight. Yet again, thank you thank you Jesus- You Are Faithful.
King of my heart is my current on repeat, by Bethel.