I was back in hospital today. This time with my 2yr old poorly lion. I didn’t handle it as well as I’ve handled everything else!
When my husband, Loz, was sick, he’s had Dengue Fever, caught it in Burma via a stupid mosquito, I was strong. I was tight with God, didn’t lose my head, I arranged everything. I was on top of who was watching my son while I jumped in an ambulance back to hospital (my family are amazing). I took care of who needed to be at what appointment when with what. I didn’t cry till days later when he was home & recovering. Even then I only cried properly once. Then I carried on as we’ve kind of had one thing after another.
This weekend was supposed to be nice. Bettany Christmas back at Loz’s parents house, getting back to normal. Starting festive fun. It was a lovely time, though just as we know you can never judge just from Instagram photos. It was hard at times as family worries & situations occurred, as actually, that is normal. I longed in my last blog for normal. Normal is pretty hard isn’t it sometimes.
Then last night my poorly boy seemed worse & this morning was very bad. I saw the rash all over him & after all his other symptoms seemed to mirror what I’d seen of dengue slowly attack my husband I was worried. I woke up Loz and battled a panic attack in our bedroom.
I’ve not had one for so long. Yet today I really fought them. I kind of won I guess, more of a mild attack that kept creeping up on me than a huge one I used to have. So that’s good! We had to pack up & get to A&E quick.
On the car ride I just kept crying. Not wailing, just silent tears kept coming. They’d stop, then just flow again.
I felt completely unable to handle it. I even felt I’d like to drop them at hospital and run. I asked Loz if he felt worried too or just fine. He said he didn’t like it & was concerned but really felt:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding” Proverbs 3
Last time, I did this. In the ambulance on route to hospital with Loz I asked people to pray, and they did! We saw a miracle as he changed around that day. It was incredible. To be so scared in the morning, his parents drove up to be with us in hospital, he couldn’t open his eyes let alone move. Then in the afternoon he was sat up talking. Through all that, I was strong & I knew Jesus was there. He was holding me, healing Loz & caring for Lion.
Yet today, only a couple weeks later. I lost it. The thought of having to go through it all again. To have my baby have tests done & the worry over him was too much. Trust was suddenly a word I couldn’t agree to.
My head was buzzing with other truths, because I also know that His ways are higher than our ways. That His plans are not always what I would plan. That Jesus clearly spelt it out, that in this world we will have trouble-yet with the promise that we can take heart for He has overcome.
I’ve seen women I love go back to the darkest, saddest places & it wasn’t what I was trusting God for. I’ve seen friends loose children & its certainly not what I believed & prayed for. I’ve journeyed through the most painful, long hopes & dreams of people I love and not yet seen the answer I trusted God with.
So I found it hard to just Trust today. I knew I didn’t deserve for my Lion to be ok & that only God knew if he had dengue or something serious. Thankfully after checks and a lot of coming & going of doctors, nurses and consultants they have let us bring him home and he should be fine. Without it being too hard on Lion, again thankful for prayers!
Yet tonight 1.38am, Monday morning, I’m wide awake. I can’t get to sleep & am needing to blog it out!
So it’s out. Tomorrow (/in 6hrs) I will wake up to my rashy baby and play with him all day. I have to wrap gifts & make gingerbread men. Christmas is coming on Friday and I have so much to be thankful for.
I do trust my God. Though I guess it’s actually the leaning bit I need to think on. I need to not lean on myself, thinking my plan would be better than whatever God’s plan is, then I would truly trust.
I know He doesn’t cause the pain and is with us through it and will always use it for good. So even in the things I don’t understand- I praise him. For if I could understand it all why would I need a God. In all my ways I need to acknowledge Him, remember Him and who he is, then my brain (& paths) can think straight again.
I’m truly thankful for His wisdom, guidance, grace, patience with me, kindness in the intricate ways as well as huge ones, His strength & of course His infinite love..
Remembering who He is has power. I’ve not got it all figured out & I think it’s still gong to take me a while to deal with all that’s happened last few weeks. I know people through far harder things than me & yet this is just my head tonight, feeling tired & needing to get it out.
Today was one hard day..yet through personally remembering Him I am thankful & feel I can go to sleep with a lighter heart..