I’ve not posted for a while. I have a lot of ‘saved drafts’ as I have written a lot, just not stuff worth posting! I can’t be fake, I’m not great at small talky chitchat. That’s why I find the starts & ends of church a bit cringe!

Oooh but grab a cuppa & sit with me for an hr or so & I wanna know all about you, not meaning naughty or gossipy..just truth and authentic openness about who you are & I’ll share where I am too. I love the present, how do you feel right now..what’s really going on. Trouble is, you’ll hear the version by how I feel that very hour…the thing I have learned now about myself though is that the next hour I could feel slightly different! Or the next day completely different!

This is why blogging can be difficult when your a gusher like me! Some of what I write, especially when feeling negative can actually not be wise & then the next day God has spoken to me. He has opened my eyes to see it differently, or challenged my heart to keep forgiving, or lifted my spirits & reminded me He’s set my feet upon a Rock. I feel safe again, secure..& wish I’d not just blaaaabed!

So that’s why I have a lot of drafts! Some are good & might be useful to share at some point as God has been walking through this turbulent time with me. Not yet though!

This hour. My current present. I feel encouraged. I’ve spent the evening listening to podcasts, speaking to my Jesus . That typical feeling of ‘why didn’t i do this weeks ago?!’

I am encouraged that He wants my heart. I know I’ve been holding it back, I’ve been allowing it to grow hard because it’s been bruised and damaged. I’ve held it as I’ve been afraid of what might be found if I allow Jesus to start to heal me, start to really restore me.

My brother spoke a word over me on Monday that I know is true for me. When we first had our son he wouldn’t settle at night & I wouldn’t want to worry or have him feel my fear of what might be making it hard. So to calm us both over the top of his cries, and what still calms him now, I would sing Psalm 23 over him. As much for me as for him!

The part my brother (not knowing this psalms significance) highlighted was ‘He makes me lie down in green pastures’. He makes me, not he asks if I want to / he gives me the option to.. No, He makes me!

The way that I have come to this point of lying down, like when my back went it was physical. This time it’s in many doors closing, in most areas of life. The things I placed most of my identity in. My work, my church, my community. As I leave all of that behind I know it’s because He wants me to rest in Him, to know I am enough. Even if I never do anything again..I am enough, He loves me.

My identity and worth is in who I am in Jesus. Not in what I do or ever did. My heart, not just when it’s together & clean, but even today when it’s a bit all over..is His. He wants it today. He will do the repairing, challenging, encouraging and He will help my heart feel joy again. Feel filled with love so that I can spill out love to others. I’d love to find contentment-peace and joy in today..even if it’s not the best day. So I’m starting by giving Jesus my heart again, in the state it is, trusting Him with it.

Has He got your heart…or are you trying to protect yourself because it’s it going hard, bruised, cynical, saddened, disappointed, messy..
He still so wants it. Come just as you are. He can be trusted. You’ll always find LOVE here..God is Love.
x

Podcasts it was encouraged to write this by is from Captivated Mums Conference by Ali Martin.
http://captivatedmums.org.uk/the-conference/what-happened-in-2013/